|
|
Saturday, January 20th, 2007
| |
9:14 pm - One Night without Ke
|
Ke has been saying that I didn't update my livejournal. He even joked, "Does that mean you don't love me anymore?" Of course not. And he knows that. When we live together, he is part of my life, like my own body or so. It seems to me too pretencious to write about oneself. However, when we are away from each other now, I think it's better for me to keep some journals. :-)
The first night was OK. It's very much like a night when he was in Shanghai or HK. We just talked on the phone and I knew that he was doing well. I realized that he wouldn't greet me again on the door the second night. It's very frustrating. So I made a decision: watch a movie every night. Just to kill the time. It worked the first time. Woody Allen's Match Point. It's very black humoured. A movie leaves you speechless. For the second night, I just felt bored and did not want to watch any of the movies. Around midnight, I got up and wrote Ke an email.
While I was writing this journal, Ke just called and I felt so much better tonight. Yet, it's another night to deal with. Without Ke.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
| |
9:37 pm - Behind the Wall
|
The other day I had the strange dream. (Though B asked me to stop doing the psychoanalysis thing, I still want to record my reflection here.)
In the dream, I am looking for an apt. in a residential area. There are so many buildings that I cannot figure out which one. Suddenly I found it and this sense of happiness and contentment fulfills me.
Several days later, when I was in depression, I remembered the dream in the crowded bus. Then it came to me that the apt belongs to a kid I met when I was in grade 6. We were of the same school and took the same bus back home. It's an early summer day, or maybe the June 1st. Anyway, we had the day off and came home early. He invited me over to his home for a cold drink. We seldom talked on the bus so it's such a nice invitation. Of course, we just talked for a while and drank some cold soda. After graduation, I never saw him again. I even don't know his name. Yet this branded in my memory.
I guess all my life I have been searching for someone. Someone who comes to me not for my appearance, nor my intelligence, but for the nice and cute guy in there.
When I see B's eyes, I know he saw the guy.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, April 17th, 2006
| |
4:58 pm - He is an Angel
|
I have read a lot of Soul Chicken Soup stories in the past and even selected some for the textbook I edited. It's so interesting that sometimes it happens. And to you!
I just had a very unforgettable Easter. In all sense. What a revelation!
In the taxi back home, I was so depressed and felt so bad. Then I realized it's not healthy so I tried to be optimistic. Just then, the taxi driver started to talk to me (I don't know whether he was worried that I might rob him or what). First, he complained the weather is too hot. It's warm, true, but it's hot for him as he wore a suit! No wonder. And then he complained about working the long hours and it's such a suffering. To quote him, "We live a life without quality."
After a while, he started to question: "How did those rich people get their money?" "I guess from business." "Oh, if I just get one million on the road, I will quit." "I will quit for one hundred thousand." "What should we do? Maybe rob the bank? If there's no way out, I will rob the bank." "How much do you earn a month?" "Just three thousand.But I have to work 12 hours. So stressful, physcially and intellectually!" "Oh, better than a lot of people working in the factories...." "But they do not work under such stress!!!!" "Hmmmm...." "Maybe I will rob the bank or do drug trafficking, if you were not caught, you will be rich overnight."
Now when I look back at our conversation, I can sense more intellectual bitterness. However, while I was in that mood, seeing the Titanic crashing into the Iceberg (No, I never saw that, I don't even remember whether they showed it in the movie.), maybe somewhat like seeing Andre married, just more severe pains, I guess, or the ... I don't know, I guess this is something first, which will surely help me grow up, anyway, the taxi driver amused me so much and the ride was so much fun.
When I got out of the cab, I was smiling and people were looking at me friendly. It's hard to feel sentimental in the sun.
So I will keep smiling. That's my life. Not anybody else's.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
| |
12:02 am - Midnight Song
|
|
I just realized it's midnight already. A few minutes ago, while I was working, I heard the song "Love" by Karen Mok played in the study. First, I thought it's from the computer, but after double check, I found it's not. Then, I found the IPod Mini on the next desk, usually used by Ke, was playing the music. I don't know what this means. Just want to write it down.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, February 16th, 2006
| |
10:13 pm - Do you speak English?
|
While I was in the taxi, I called Ke to tell him that I will be at home soon. After hanging up the phone, the taxt driver asked me, "So you are speaking with a Lao Wai?" I said yes. Then he started to tell me that he could also speak some English. While we were talking, I cannot help feeling the pose that I held. To distant him and put him in the lower class position, brings me the sense of bourgeois. I felt this immediately and questioned myself, who gave me the right to do this? Born in a bourgeois family of intellectuals or just the education I received?
The other day, when I was staying in a budget hotel at Shanghai, I was kinda happy about the fact that I did not stay in the 5-star hotel that I planned to stay with Ke for he postponed his trip back to China. I was dreadful about the choice until I got into the room. Obviously, it's not the hotel that I used to stay, no fancy carpets, no in-room safe, no satellite tv, yet it's cozy and warm, and most important, it's clean! I cannot say it's spotless, but I would say it's even better than Best Western O'Hare. One thing about dating Ke is that he continuously makes me to reflect on the restrictions I set up and to start to appreciate the beauty of other things in life.
He is now sleeping sound in the bedroom but he always says I love you when I leave the bed,even in his dreams. :)
You are really a treasure, Ke.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, November 18th, 2005
| |
10:47 pm - Love Me, Love Yourself
|
The other day, while we were talking on the phone, Long Dong (now Ke prefer to be called this way) told me to go to take THE shower and go to bed, thinking of "love me, love yourself". It's like an illumination. Our love seems to deepen to another level.
Yet on his birthday, after all the sweet talks ended, I was going to bed and his sms came suddenly. We chatted through the sms for a while. He turned to be worried and I started to comfort him by the words that he used to comfort me. This has been over for a period of time and we had a perfect birthday celebration on the weekend. I do hope the worry dispersed or will be dispersed.
On the bus back home tonight, the song from the radio brought something into my mind. First, I thought I like the strings sounds and was thinking of learning banjo. (Why I didn't learn it last year in the middle of corn field with virtually nothing to do?) Then, the silly lyrical song started. I was over this kinda stuff. It's for teenagers. Yet, little by little, it's penetrating something into me. Might be the refrain.
"Now and forever, I will be there for you."
I will, Bubba.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
| |
11:37 am - Alors, nous trouvames l'amour
|
Waking up this morning, I suddenly felt strange without Ke around me. It did not happen Monday, but a day later. I guess that I got used to wake up to see his blue eyes and kiss for the morning.
When I visited him, we two had to crawl on a small bed. I did not have any idea of how small it is until I finally saw it! Yet it was fun as we had to hold each other's feet to sleep.
Walking along the canal, in the shadow of the willows, I held his hand and we walked like this for a while. The moment.
This relationship also brought me to reflect on my life. In constructing myself as a bourgeois, I ignored a lot of things around me or simply took them for granted. Dating a Bo-Bo leads me to see my city from a fresh perspective. Like what people can do in the mountain. And Ke showed me some already.
The other night, Ke wrote this down on a note and I love it:
Alor, nous trouvames l'amour.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, October 12th, 2005
| |
9:04 am - how good it can be
|
The other day in Yangshuo, I stayed at the hotel while Ke went biking with the two girls. Reading in the balcony was so pleasant with the mountain views. Then I heard he called my name down stairs, I waved back. In a minute, he rushed into the room and hugged me. "It's so nice to have you, " he said to me.
Another day, we were taking a nap. It's so warm and comfortable for me to sleep with Ke (though he complained). Then he told all the sweetest things that I ever heard.
Sometimes I feel it's a luxury to write about loving Ke while Ke is writing about more serious issues. Maybe I should start to write more about cutlure, movies, post-colonial and social issues. What do you think?
"I will take you to florida some day."
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 30th, 2005
| |
11:56 pm - Just a little bit more
|
The wedding was supposed to be romantic:it's a candle-wedding. The bride and the bridegroom were supposed to come into the hall in the light of the candles. Yet some light was not working. So the candle thing was canceled. Waiting impatiently for the procedure, people were tickling the chopsticks or smoking. In the middle of nowhere, I was thinking, did Ke feel better now?
In another city, 80 miles away, Ke was suffering from a cold and feeling tired. Wandering around his "private" apartment, reading a bit, or watching a french movie, checking the fridge, thinking of me. No sms. He was worried.
Jumping off the taxi, the Neon lights were overwhelmingly flashy. I was wishing that Ke was beside me so that he could see the fantastic scene. He missed the light tunnel all the time.
The other day, after I made my confession, Ke started to make fun of me. I love to hear he mentioning "Ten years later, I would say you read it twenty years ago..." The best thing is that now I feel great about my age.
Ke is the one who makes me feel such happiness in my life for the first time.
Yes, you are cute even with a running nose, my love.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
| |
11:33 pm - Shall we dance
|
Frankly, I don't know what to write. A few days ago, while drinking the iced water from the bottle he left in the fridge, I was feeling like we were kissing. I thought that I should write this down. However, when I tried to enter livejournal, I found that I forgot my password. How could this happen? After trying for almost an hour, I simply gave up.
Sometimes, the English language, a colonized thing for me, is too much for me to express my Chinese feelings. Or am I afraid that if I ever wrote the feelings down, it would be materialized into something on net, not the one that I'm feeling right now? Or I'm just reading too much Derrida? Or I'm just too obesessed with the so called love? Anyway, Ke's warmth is part of my life now.
Sometimes, when I doubt he is too cute and young for me and go crazy, he always assures me by focusing on the moment. A moment like that in Duras' L'amant, or a moment like that in Comrades:almost a love story? I have no idea. As a Chinese, I prefer the latter for sure.
Yet it might be a smile on my face years later. Or a kiss on neck from behind?
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 5th, 2005
| |
11:20 pm - something small
|
I decided to write this entry in English while I saw two boys riding a bicycle across me. They were full of youth. 16 or 17. This reminded me of my own teenage years. As I was crossing the crowded, car-honking street, I thought to myself, if I were 16, I would tell Andre that I love him. I remember that I wrote those words on a note and then destroyed it.
Loving Ke is the first time in my life that I feel love: loved and loving. Most of my former relationships are just in one of the boxes. When I looked at his eyes on bed, I did want to tell him that I finally find the one. I feel worried and frustrated for my own sexual performance, but when he called me his boyfriend on the phone, I was thrilled and overjoyed. I'm a silly boy, after all.
Yet it's a small thing making life better
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
| |
8:49 pm
|
开始写这个blog是觉得自己在恋爱.虽然不会有人看到这些文字,但写下来,也算是对自己感情的交代. 如果有一天,柯的中文可以好到看懂我写的这些话,不知道我们会不会还在一起.
认识是因为彼此的寂寞,但后来的发展有些出乎我的预料. 感觉最好的是每个周末早晨醒来,感觉到身边的温热,用各自的唇来唤醒彼此的时候,那时候我觉得人们想结婚一点也没错,或者至少是同居吧.
当我一个人的时候,我会莫名的嫉妒.我想着那些人也许正和他在亲热,想着他在说着那些他对我说的话. 我希望自己还有以前的决绝,去质问他,和他争吵,但我知道我不会,因为那些岁月.
经过那么长时间的抑郁,现在的感情生活只有珍惜. 我要包容他,就象他包容我一样. 可是我没有办法,爱情的苦痛是这些甜蜜的须发,缠绕在你的身体上.
痛并快乐着
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lovingke's journal